


Research

by Shibaterasu (Stefka)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Finally writing something for this fandom that it YEARS old now, Fluff, I'm always way too late to the game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 21:00:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9786866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stefka/pseuds/Shibaterasu
Summary: Garrus attempts to have a conversation with Joker about human mating rituals. A fluff, sfw piece and just something that I thought of on a whim. I can only imagine how difficult with would be to teach a whole other race about our social history with sex.





	

Garrus tries his best to look calm.

Joker wasn’t always the easiest person to talk to, especially with -- personal -- things. But Garrus has no other option. He is the only human male on the ship that Garrus has any kind of relationship with.

He just hopes that they really could have a conversation like this without it getting -- weird.

Garrus did his research and found the ideal time when Joker was off-duty during a more isolated time on the Normandy. He exits the Battery and fortunately finds Joker sitting in the mess hall with hardly anyone around. Well, anyone within ear-shot, at least.

He is going to try and make this quick for the both of them.

“Hey Garrus,” Joker quips, “finally finish those really important calibrations, huh?”

Garrus grunts at the sarcasm. This might be harder than he thought. He takes a seat across Joker.

Garrus starts, “Hey listen, I’m glad I caught you. I was wondering if you might be able to help me with something, private.”

Joker raises an eyebrow and his eyes twinkle in that way where he is about to make another sarcastic remark, but Garrus interrupts him.

“Look, if you can’t handle a serious chat, then let me know and I can go find someone else.”

Joker sits back and ponders for a moment.

“This has something to do with Shepard, doesn’t it?”

“I wouldn’t be coming to you if I already knew how to handle this, and you’re the only human male that I know that I might be able to ask this.”

“Look Garrus, you don’t have to give me a hundred explanations for why you’re here. Just cut to the chase.”

Garrus sighs and lowers his voice, “I need to know about...human mating rituals...if that’s the best way to call it.”

Joker’s eyes light up and he opens his mouth to exclaim, but Garrus gives him the dirtiest and most threatening glare and Joker thinks twice about it.

He lowers his voice but can’t contain his excitement, “This IS about Shepard! Oh my God, I thought something was going on between the two of you but I wasn’t sure! Looks like some people owe me some credits.”

Garrus leans over the table and closes the space between the two of them.

“If you utter one word about this to someone else, Spirits be damned, I will make sure every bone in your body is broken and stays that way.”

“Alright buddy relax, you don’t have to bring my problems into this. I get why you came to me. But I would like to think I am entitled to give you a little bit of shit about it, since I gotta get something out of this, too.”

Garrus leans back and sighs.

Joker breaks the silence, “So, what do you want to know?”

Garrus glares, “I don’t know anything! I don’t even know where to start! Does it look like I know what the hell I’m doing?”

“Okay, okay so we gotta start you pretty simple. Well you know, when a man and a woman love each other very much…,” Joker trails off once he’s gotten enough rise out of Garrus.

“Hey, hey!”Joker raises up his hands in defense, “I’m allowed to give you a little bit of shit, okay?”

Garrus backs down, “Can we get this over quickly, please?”

“Okay. Well I am sure you know that vids are going to be your friends here. But! You can’t just search any kind of vid.”

“Well, what kind of vids do I search then?”

“I don’t know if it’s true for your race, but the professionally made stuff is pretty -- fake. Really overdone, you know? You won’t be able to get away with that stuff in a real relationship, trust me.”

Garrus throws his arms up in frustration. This was a waste of time.

“Hold on, hold on! Look, I know that this means a lot to you. Shepard’s one-of-a-kind. Not every woman just comes back from the dead and continues to kick ass. I just want you to know what you can and cannot trust.”

Garrus glares but stays silent.

“Human women need to be treated with respect and they need to be equal partners in all of this, okay? For a long time, sex was not something a woman was allowed to enjoy. To say that human women have a difficult history with sex is not even coming close to covering it all. This is going to hard to teach in just a few short vids.

“Let me find some things to help you. Shepard’s a patient woman but I want you to be ready for whatever might happen. Your average vids aren’t going to cut it, we probably need to get you some romance movies, some educational shows, some amateur stuff…. Man, as I think about this, it’s a lot more complicated to teach human sex to a whole other species.”

Garrus finally manages a laugh.

Joker smiles, “Look, I am no expert with the ‘human mating rituals’ as you like to call them, but I will do my best to help you. I know how much she means to all of us and hell, if she trusts you enough to try this, then let’s make it the best damn interspecies sex you’ve ever had.”


End file.
